Turning your face. How women can learn to understand men

Understanding the ridiculous psyche, and sometimes psychotic nature of men is something that only a woman will ever accomplish. We sure don't understand ourselves. Whether you're looking for friendship advice, dating help, family guidance, or marital counseling, the relationship that happens between a man and a woman affects them all.

Over the past week, we've been talking about relationships. We talked about how men relate to other men. Yesterday, we talked about how women relate to other women. Today, we'll discuss how women can learn to understand men.

No guys allowed today.

As a fully qualified member of the male species sub-group, there are certain No-No's that we don't discuss. Today, we will talk about those things in all their gory glory. So, if you are a guy... go away. But, come back tomorrow because we're gonna be chatting about the ladies.

An admission

Ladies, if you have been reading along over the last several days, you're probably thinking "Yeah, some of this is true, but this is seriously stereotypical and rather simplified." Yes, you are correct. There is no way to describe the wonderfulness that is woman in a 1000 word article. We could spend 400 pages describing your smile lines alone. So, time and space demand stereotype.

Stereotypes (not speaking of prejudice here), however, exist not because they are always right, but because they sometimes are. You probably are that much smarter than us. You do understand the emotional quotient of things so much more thoroughly. And we are loners. Look at TV and Movies. "The Last of the Mohicans", "The Lone Ranger", "Lone Wolf McQuade", "The Last Boyscout". The theme is so prevalent, because (at least to a degree) it is true.

Now, down to the nitty gritty of how you can better understand the maleness in your life.

The nitty-gritty

Tell no men that this was ever discussed, but, the number one thing that a man looks from from a woman is... (maybe not what you're thinking)... respect. That's right. For all our "toughness", we are a bit soft inside. For a guy, that search and hunger for respect drives much of what we do in life. Like Adam standing in the Garden of Eden, looking out at his fields, surveying what he needs to do, knowing that he will have to work his tail off all the days of his life; we realize something. The more we do, or the better we do it, the more we are able to provide. The more we are able to provide the better we feel about ourselves. When we feel more confidence about ourselves, we begin to interact with other people more confidently. Interacting with confidence, breeds respect. thus, a man finds much of his self-worth in what he "does."

Our self-worth and respect from others was not supposed to come from this source. In the Garden, God had already given man a job, something to do. He was to name the animals.

Gen 2:20 He gave names to all the livestock, birds, and wild animals. But still there was no companion suitable for him.

Do you see that. Adam accomplished all that God gave him to do, but he wasn't complete. He was missing something.

Gen 2:21-23a So the LORD God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam's ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib and brought her to Adam. "At last!" Adam exclaimed.

Every great story has that moment in it, when the "he" finally sees the "she" and a big "At last!" reverberates.

You see, before the fall of man, before everything got all whopperdated (good word, huh? Substitute "messed up" for translation), Adam realized that Eve was his best "At last!" moment.

How do we fix this?

This is honestly painful to write. The only way to fix this is to give your husband, or your father, or your brother, or whatever guy were talking about more respect, even if you feel like it is unearned.

And how am I supposed to do that?

Turning your face. Maybe someday, you will be able to look each other in the eye and have deep meaningful conversations. But, for now, meet him where he is. Turn away from what you want and what you need in the relationship and selflessly uncover what he wants and what he needs. We know that what he needs most is respect, right? Turn away from looking at him, and instead look where he's looking. Stand shoulder to shoulder with him and study the things that he "does." And in that thing, you will begin to uncover a secret. You will see an image off in the distance of the man that he wants to be, perhaps only subconsciously.

Perhaps he's an adrenaline junkie. All pierced and tatted up. He finds anything he can do to get his heart pumping. Here's the truth. He wants to know that he's a warrior. That he could have thrived in battle. That he's a little dangerous. Your job now is to find the things in him that remind you of the man that he wants to be and PRAISE him for them. "You're so manly." "I feel safe when I'm with you."

Special hint

Want to know a quick way to hone in on the "man he wants to be?" Do this...

• Look at the things about him that tick you off.
• Look harder and deeper at them until you can find the positives in the negative
• Watch for how those things that tick you off sometimes also help you other times.
• Praise him for those moments.

Often, our biggest weakness and biggest strength are intertwined.

What does all this accomplish?

As you continue doing these things, he will slowly (much slower than you could ever imagine) begin to realize that he gets more respect from you than from anything he does.

And then one day it will happen. You will say something that touches his masculine soul. Maybe something that heals wounds left by an absent father or a traumatic situation. He will turn in surprise to look at you. And in your eyes, he will see the reflection of the man he always wanted to be.

And you will have the man you always wanted. Face to face.

Tomorrow, it's back to the guys. If you know a guy who needs to think about the things we are going to discuss here tomorrow, please make sure he jumps in.

...Christopher Levi

photo courtesy of http://www.chrisbuesphotography.com/ AWESOME photographer, and in North East Ohio!

Face to Face. How women relate to other women...

We've been talking about relationships, and the advice and examples that Scripture lays down for us to apply to our lives. Yesterday, we talked about how guys relate to other guys. Today, it's all about the ladies.

Have you ever sat in a shopping mall and just watched people? Honestly, it is ceaselessly entertaining. Just the sheer diversity of styles, and personalities is unreal. But, imagine a ridiculous situation with me...

You've seated yourself on one of those benches in the mall. You bought a CinnaBon at the food court, and are now hoping to eat it in the absolute least visible spot you can find. You have searched for and found the perfect place. A place where you hopefully will not be seen as you gorge yourself on cinnamon-sugary-goodness, but still be able to do a whole lot of seeing. From opposite sides of your field of vision, two couples walk slowly towards each other. They are close in age, perhaps two sets of married couples from similar socio-economic circles. To you, the casual observer, there is nothing that would keep them from being friends, and for all you know, they probably already are. Little do you know, but the game is about to be played. As they approach, the two guys glance very very quickly at each other, they nod their heads in mutual acknowledgment of each others basic maleness, and perhaps they silently mouth a 'Sup?' in the others direction. With the women, the story started much earlier. From across the crowded mall, they have been studying each other. They each know the brand name and price of each piece of clothing the other wears. They watch the way the other walks. They notice earrings. They make mental note of shoe choices. At a mutually acceptable distance that is only known by these tribal members, Woman #1 will attempt to make eye contact. When Woman #2 allows her eyes to connect with Woman #1, Woman #1 smiles. At this point, there is very little margin for error. If Woman #2 does not return that valuable smile with something that appears to be genuine within their genetic hard-coded time limit, the smile on Woman #1's face will quickly turn to scorn. As they pass each other, their eyes will not meet again. Seconds after this encounter, but after the two have passed, Woman #1 will ask her husband, voice dripping with derision, “Did you see what she was wearing?” His monosyllabic reply is only, “Kim?” “What??!!”, she says. “You know her?”. He answers, “Sweetie, that was Mark and Kim.” And with the artful dodge that only a true woman can manage, she replies, “It was? Oh my gosh, didn't she look fantastic?”

With women, so much of their relationship is face to face. “How does that make you feel?” “You deserve better than him!” “Have you lost weight? Your face looks thinner!” They process emotional information not based upon what happens, not based upon what they should do about what happened, but primarily upon how what happened made them (or one of their friends) feel.

In yesterday's story of the Garden of Eden, we heard God explaining the consequences of Adam and Eve's choices. Let's listen in as He deals with Eve.

Genesis 3:16

To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children, Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Yesterday, when we looked through Adam's consequences, we saw phrases like... painful toil, thorns and thistles, and the sweat of your brow. What do we hear in Eve's? Pain, childbearing, with pain you will give birth, desire will be for your husband, he will rule over you. People, this is not fun stuff. It speaks of emotional heartbreak, and pain.

See, here's the deal. Man was created to provide. Woman was provided to create. (Please, I'm not trying to say anything bad about women, I'm trying to compliment you here.) Adam's sentence is to work in the field, often fruitlessly in order to provide. But Eve brings to him the possibility of creation. Children, born in pain. And also relationship. “Your desire will be for your husband.” And that is also born in pain for, “he will rule over you.”

The picture from yesterday was of Adam looking over his field, at what he needs to do. Today's is of Eve. She is looking at Adam's profile. He is lost in his thoughts of what he needs to do. She, however, is the only one speaking... seeking him... waiting for his attention... “How does this make you feel?" "Why aren't you talking to me?" "Why won't you look at me?”

Women relate to women face to face. Not “What happened?”, but rather, “How are you?” Not “What are you going to do?”, but rather, “Are you okay?”

How do we apply this in the real world? Do you want to risk attempting again to connect with your Mom? This time, instead of trying to get her to hear what you have to say, stand face to face, look her in the eyes, and ask “How are you?” Hardest of all, don't expect her to ask the same of you. Give this moment to her, with your full attention. Most difficult... with an open and giving heart, expect nothing in return.

Tomorrow, ladies I will give you the secret information on what your guy is thinking as you are talking with him as we discuss “Turning your face. How woman can learn to better understand men.”

...Christopher Levi

Photo provided by stacydebord@yahoo.com

Shoulder to Shoulder. How men relate with other men...

Yesterday, we started talking about how relationships work, and what kind of examples and advice Scripture gives us to help us learn what to do, and what to definitely not do.

Are you a guy, and you watch other guys talking, but feel like you're on the outside? Are you a girl, and the “conversations” that you hear between guys seems a little sub-neanderthal, and for the life of you, you can't figure out why your man would rather sit with his friends saying next to nothing... than to spend the evening talking with you? If so, today may be your lucky day.

We'll pick up with how men relate with other men. We're dealing with this first, not because men are stronger, or braver, or better than women. But rather, because we're... dumber? Simpler? Less Complex? Whatever... relationships between men (at least early-stage and more shallow relationships) are just easier for guys.

Let's look at an example...

Suppose you drive to your local park. If you live in a well populated area, and it is summertime, and if you are in a park that people actually go to... you will find basketball courts. On those basketball courts, you will probably see guys. They may be playing one-on-one. They may be playing “33.” They may be running full-court. But they'll be sweating, and laughing, and yelling, and bumping... and quite possibly, there will be guys playing on the court that know no one else out there. A couple of guys here may know this other guy. And that guy may be a playground legend, but the other guy in the corner, well no one has ever seen him before. Here's the point. Guys don't have to know each other to be able to do stuff together. There is the unspoken language. The “head nod.” The “Wassup?” It's universal and hard wired into most of us.

So, let's change the situation now...

Imagine you are in that same park, the basketball courts are there. What are the chances of ten women getting together to play a game of “pick-up”? Nope. Not gonna happen. If they tried, they'd be pulling each others hair out inside three plays. Kicking, scratching, biting. Women are beautiful, but they sure can be ugly to each other. (Women, you'll get yours tomorrow)

Why is it easier like that for guys? Because men relate to each other “Shoulder to Shoulder.” You'll see...

Scripture uncovers a lot about relationships in the Garden of Eden. We'll go through different parts of that story each day as we break down this subject. But for now...

Old Adam has screwed up. Big time. He ate the apple, he blamed it on Eve. And now God is handing out the consequences.

Genesis 3:17-19

To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,' Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken, for dust you are and to dust you will return.”

Now, first of all, in general, guys... listen to your wives. They are just smarter than we are. But, let's look at our keywords here and see if we can find a theme... painful toil, thorns and thistles, the sweat of your brow, and dust. Now, God's explaining the consequences, and he basically says, “Adam, this means you're gonna have to work. Hard. And it's not gonna be really productive. And, if you want to eat, you're gonna have to work like that 'til you die.”

So, the way that works for us is this. Adam screwed up for all of us. Because he screwed up, all us guys are screwed up. We've gotta work. We have to be do'ers. It's part of our nature now. The picture that this draws, is of a man looking out at his field. Unsatisfied with it's condition, but realizing that if he wants anything at all in this life, he has got to focus and go do something. Plow that field. Write that brief. Deliver those packages. Rescue that damsel in distress. Whatever it is, as guys, our solution is almost always to go and DO something.

Men stand shoulder to shoulder, not looking at each other, but looking out at what they need to do, or what they hope to accomplish, or what they wish was different, and that is how they relate. It is also our way of easing into actually being able to speak to each other. “So, how about them Browns?” “Do you think LeBron will be in Cleveland next year?” “Sure is a lot of snow, lemme help you shovel that.” “Wanna go bow-hunting next month?”

How do we apply this in our lives? If you want to find a way to start to relate with the father you didn't really get along with growing up, go find something he likes to do, and do it with him. Take your father, stand shoulder to shoulder, and tinker in the garage. Go to the car auction. Help him water his garden. Don't worry about striking up that conversation you've been imagining in your head forever. With guys, most times it's enough to just go and do.

Tomorrow ladies, it's your turn, as we discuss “Face to Face. How women relate to women.”
 
...Christopher Levi
 
Special thanks to Moses Rosen, professional photographer to be...

Getting along with people... What advice or examples do we find in Scripture?

Aren't all of your relationships perfect? Did you think that making a decision to follow Christ would be all puppy dogs, butterflies, and unicorns? Do you find that you still have to deal with people's attitudes, and worst of all... your own?

“I'd like this job, if it wasn't for all the people!”...Anonymous Senior Pastor of a large church.

Even the “professional” Christians have to work at it, have to bite their tongue, and have to apologize for saying the wrong things. We all do. It's part of the experience of riding on this dirt ball we call Earth.

So, how do we get along with other people? And, can we find any advice or examples in Scripture that can help us travel the bumpy emotional highway to more successful relationships? The type of relationship doesn't change the way we get along with people, only the importance and urgency that we understand and learn how to get along with people.

If you've been married for 73 years, your marriage needs you to understand this. If you are a Business Woman, your career needs you to understand this. If you are a teenager, you desperately need to understand this. If you don't see yourself in any of this, hang on, because our last subject is just for you.

Over the next several days, we will take a look at different types of relationships, uncover some hidden landmines that could disrupt our lives, find valuable lessons we can apply from the wisdom of Scripture, and talk about the smart and stupid things the people in Scripture did in their own relationships.

We will look at:

• How men relate with other men. Shoulder to Shoulder
• How women relate with other women. Face to Face
• How women can learn to understand men. Turning away.
• How men can learn to relate to women. Turning towards.
• What to do when these patterns just don't fit you or the person you want to understand. Making it up on the fly.

So, check back. Each day we will open up a new topic, and see if we can learn this dance, even if you feel like you were born with two emotional left feet.

...Christopher Levi

picture provided by stacydebord@yahoo.com